LatiNegra Sexologist

today part 2

i may have a morning visitor, i’m not too confident this visitor will appear, but it would be nice. either way i’m prepared for company that’s not chosen family like @dopegirlfresh (at least 2 of my 4 rooms are presentable). 

then i struggle w/some blemishes and scars i have on my body. i cant remember if these are new or if this visitor has seen them already and just doesn’t care. sometimes the scars and blemishes make me super self-conscious. 

i remember reading one of sherman alexie’s novels and he talks abt how acne “tells” on a poor person. i feel this is true w/me sometimes, maybe more often than i want to admit. i don’t have the dough to use the things that can “work” for these blemishes and scars and acne. but they are there. 

i’m feeling more and more that i have to come out to potential partners as broke and that’s something i struggle with. it doesn’t help that this visitor is a past partner who is wealthy, and when i say wealthy, i mean wealth, old money, inheritance and continued legacy of maintaining and growing that pot. 

sometimes i wonder wtf would a person who has that much wealth would want w/a broad like me? i mean they can have whomever they desire, why this broad? perhaps b/c i’m accessible in comparison to other broads who have that same type of wealth, who don’t have the time as i have? i’ve struggled w/class and dating for decades. 

some homies tell me not to worry about having someone pay for me when we go out, to take advantage of this opportunity. this is the way things usually “work” in such situations. i struggle w/this. what if i need to get out of a situation and am somewhere and since i don’t have enough money to put on a metrocard i’m stuck? what if i don’t have enough for a cab to get to the metro and i’m stuck again? 

this is why falling for r felt right. he was broke too. but now that he’s got a job paying him a ridoneylously amount of money, he finds a new partner and upgrades his whole life meaning leaving our chosen family, leaving our friendship and moving closer to his new partner. i never would have thought he would have left me when he got some more dough. i really didn’t realize he was that conservative and capitalist. i also didnt think he would ever leave our friendship, but it happened. 

i didn’t have to come out to r as broke and working class b/c he knew it b/c he was too. he saw the signs. i saw the signs. we supported one another. 

but w/dating and fucking it’s different. it’s all over again. who would want a mid-30s bushy haired brown glamazon who is broke even if she’s living life on her own terms? this potential morning visitor told me 5 years ago when we met that they like my karma which is one of the reasons they dig my company (besides the obvious other things). 

then i saw a foto of this potential morning visitor 5 years ago w/someone else at a high profile event that was photographed. this person chose to take that person to the event. not me. we didnt have that type of relationship, we were mainly fucking, they were mainly dating. i’m not the kind of broad that would fit in too well at wealthy high type ish. i clean up nice, and can chat it up, but it’s obvious i’m an outsider. this person they were with was the complete opposite of me. 

just like r’s new partner is the complete opposite of me.

and as i’m watching these shows set in the 20s and later; i.e. boardwalk empire, where dudes w/wealth and money and status had a bunch of different broads: the kept women who were respectable and the broads on the side they fucked whenever they wanted. i wonder where i fit in. and i realize that based on the potential morning visiter and r; i’m the latter. 

that role is getting old. if this morning visitor actually comes, it may be the last time in this lifetime for us.